I can hear the birds again

One of my favorite places in my last apartment was my back patio. In the summers, I’d sit on it in the mornings and read. The birds were so loud and the sun was so bright and I loved it. It was such a special place to me.

I’ve begun 2018 in a new apartment in a new town with a new job and (thankfully) some old friends. Last week, I turned 30 years old. A combination of the new year and the ending of a decade has caused me to feel quite nostalgic. Reflective. Thankful. Longing.

I bought a new journal for this new year. The soft pink cover says, “Set your mind on things above” (Colossians 3:2) in gold lettering. In 2017, I slid into a deep depression and fell victim to anxious and defeating thoughts. These thoughts perpetuated a cycle of despair. So this year, I’m praying for a new start. A fresh beginning. A renewed mind. As 2017 ended, I asked God for a few words for 2018 and the words spark and new beginning seemed to resonate in my heart.

This weekend, I went to a women’s conference. The overall theme was experiencing the freedom Jesus has given us. I was drawn to that theme because of my struggle with fear and anxiety. Someone once told me that a minute with Jesus is more powerful than 500 sermons and I finally understand that now.

Early this morning, we sang some worship songs and heard a speaker and discussed in some small groups, but I was feeling dull. Nothing really resonated. A friend asked me how I was enjoying the conference and I said, “Actually, I feel really dry” so she said, “Let’s pray.” Two women gathered around me and began to pray. “You have the mind of Christ,” one of the women said. “You have the heart of Christ. When things come into your mind, when you struggle with thoughts, just say ‘Jesus.’” Tears rolled down my cheeks. I have the mind of Christ? I just spent the past year disappointed that my family is broken, anxious about what others think of me, worried that God doesn’t think I’m enough, stuck in a depression — and I have the mind of Christ? At the same time, I felt deep in my soul like that was actually how God saw me. Like He saw a future me somehow. The women encouraged me and said, “This is a new beginning. God is leading you down new paths. God is not far away. He is near you. He is in you.” New beginning? How did they know that was my 2018 word? And then I knew it in my bones — God was speaking to me through them. Wow.

God, you see me? You know my thoughts? You know how hard I want my thinking to change? You see the best in me? I was blown away. The day continued, but God was not done yet.

It was 1:15 p.m. The last speaker of the day was just about to begin. “Okay, God,” I thought. “I’m satisfied. Thank you for showing me that you see me.” But God does immeasurably more than we ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). The speaker explained that when we accept Jesus into our heart, we become a new creation. “The old is gone. The new is here” (2 Corinthians 5:17). The word “new” in the original Greek is the word kainos, which means recently made, fresh, unused, unworn, unprecedented, of a new kind. We are literally a new creation with a new identity. “In order for us to understand we are a new creation,” the speaker said, “we need to have a new mind.” It is about agreeing with what God has already said about us, instead of believing what we think or what others say about us. God says we are His children. He is with us always. We are His beloved. The journey we are on is the renewing of our mind to accept who we already are. “Don’t you know who you are?” the speaker asked. “God sees you with no flaws.”

In the Old Testament, God’s presence traveled with the Israelites in this wooden chest called the Ark of the Covenant. When Jesus came and died and rose again, He gave us the Holy Spirit who dwells in us. We are pure. Whole. God sees us in our perfected state. The God of the universe lives inside of us.

For most of my entire life, until about five hours ago, I thought God was pretty disappointed in me. I thought He was shaking his head on days I chose to watch TV instead of read my Bible. I thought I had to continually work to be a better daughter, employee, and friend. I thought he cared about my every flaw and was waiting for me to “get it right.” I thought I wasn’t enough. I carried around so much shame. It wasn’t until I heard the words You have the mind of Christ and God sees no flaw in you that I began to think differently. When I accepted Jesus in my life, I became a new creation. My sin, my brokenness, and my pain have been washed away. Of course I will still struggle on earth, but God sees the best in me always. Even when I don’t see it in myself, even when others bring me down, God sees the best in me. I just have to accept it, to believe it. That’s it. It’s a journey, but He’s doing it with me. And then the fun part comes in — I get to partner with God to help other people realize that God sees the best in them, too. To bring light into darkness. To bring faith into uncertainty. To bring hope into despair. That’s what God’s Kingdom is all about. And He’s bringing it to earth.

When I get stuck in my head, I can’t really see or hear anything around me. My thoughts consume me, my body tightens up and in some ways, I can barely breathe. After the conference ended, I decided to take a walk and then go to the library. As I was walking in to the building, all of a sudden, I heard birds chirping in a nearby bush. I marveled at their song as more tears streamed down my cheeks. Slowly, a smile stretched across my face and I thanked God.

I can hear again. I can see again. God has set me free.

Joyfully,
Lauren