When you get that dreaded phone call

I glanced down at my phone to see a missed call. “Daddy” flashed on the screen with the voicemail icon glowing. “It’s weird for him to call me in the morning,” I thought. And then I knew. Silently trembling, I pressed play.

“Lauren, I have another brain tumor.”

My dad had an MRI last Tuesday and waited for the results. He called me on Friday, hopeful because they hadn’t called him yet. “That must be a good sign, right?” he asked. A glimmer of hope, I said, “Yes, Daddy, that’s good. That’s really, really good.”

In 2011, my dad suddenly fell and we took him to the ER only to find out he had a brain tumor the size of a softball pushing on his brain. In the most challenging and beautifully painful weeks of my family’s life, my dad successfully came through brain surgery and recovered. (Here is the amazing story). About 18 months later, the tumors grew back — and they grew back 18 months after that, and 18 months after that.

This month marks 18 months since his last diagnosis. In some ways, I’ve been holding my breath since his MRI on Tuesday. This morning when I got the call, I knew. I knew in my gut what he was going to say. And I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks.

I know God knows everything and I really believe His heart is full of loving-kindness. I don’t think He causes brain tumors, but I do wonder if He lovingly prepares us for what’s to come. This past weekend, I was able to meet an author whose book impacted my life so deeply. In March, I faced a really deep depression and the author’s words filled me with such hope. This weekend, I was able to thank her in person and it was such a beautiful gift from God.

The author spoke at a women’s church conference and the theme of the weekend was Freedom. The speakers were powerful. They spoke of the deep freedom in the depths of our soul that we can have, regardless of circumstances, knowing that our God is in control and that we can trust Him. They talked about the chains that Jesus has broken for us and those chains we sometimes pick back up. In the middle of the first evening, I went up for prayer. I said, “I’m so fearful. I’m fearful of what may happen to my family. I’m fearful of what my future may hold. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to trust God fully.” This sweet woman, Christine, prayed a beautiful prayer for me. And throughout the weekend, God reminded me who He is and how much He loves us. Slowly, I felt the shackles of fear come off and I could breathe for the first time in a very long time.

God knew what was to come this morning. Instead of giving into worst-case scenarios, I had this deep peace inside that doesn’t make any sense. Yes, I cried, but there’s this peace in the depths of my soul that I can’t explain.

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which is far greater than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:6–7

That’s what it feels like. God is guarding my heart and mind. He filled me up this weekend because He knew that’s what I would need today. This is our God. Our world is not perfect; we were never promised perfection here. But we have a God who promises to be with us every single moment through it all. He knows our heart and He loves us deeply.

I don’t know what is going to happen with my dad, but I do know that he is also experiencing God’s deep peace. I called on my friends (aka “prayer warriors”) today and I know their prayers are making a difference. I’ve talked to my dad throughout the day and I can hear how God is guarding his heart and mind, too. What a gift.

Lord, I trust you. This life is so hard sometimes. It is so incredibly beautiful and it is so incredibly hard. Thank you that your heart is loving-kindness. Thank you that you prepare us for what is to come and you walk through it with us. Thank you that we are never alone. Thank you that you promise to be near the brokenhearted. I pray Lord that you are glorified through this and that a lot of people are able to see your true heart through this circumstance. Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for your love. Thank you for holding my heart in the palm of your hand.

Joyfully,
Lauren